...and now I've been fired!

Yeah. Although the tittle is worse than the actual news... I've been watched the tabloids' tittles for far too long not to get influenced.

The thing is that Steve send me an e-mail saying very briefly that we needed to talk, infamous words that usually means bad news, and then he sent me another mail asking me to bring the material I've been using, so I was prepared.
I was doing one hour a week teaching for him without a contract and he was paying me cash-in-hand, not social security, nothing. Plus, last month he forgot to pay me all the hours I worked (he sent me an envelope with 3 hours worth of wages instead of 4) and I had to send him a mail asking for the whole amount and he answer was "sorry, you're right, I don't how it happened". He also asked me a month ago to take more hours with him but I declined because that meant leaving my already established hours with the other company.

So, I went to see Steve and first he handed me an envelope with my money, plus the hour he forgot to pay me last month. Then he said that the students complained that I was arriving later and leaving earlier to the class. I did arrived later a couple of times but I never left earlier and I told him so so. He said "so, there seems to be a difference of opinion there" to which I simply reply (in what I hoped was an assertive way) "yes".
I think you either believe your employees and you backed them up when there's trouble or you don't, and maybe I should have told him so. He choose to believe the people who pay him. Fair enough as this is his business.
He then added that I failed to attend one class and I didn't call the students or him. That's correct and the reason was that it was the next day after Darwin died and I was in such an state of shock that I totally forgot. I explained that and added that I was sorry about it and that I did send an e-mail to him, admittedly, after the event.
I should have added that he forgot to pay me and that I didn't hold that against him as mistakes just happens. Of course, I only thought of that on my way home.
He then went on to add that we cannot work together like this, to which I agreed, and that he had to ask me to return all the material he gave me for the classes. As I only took the book that I was currently teaching, I said that I'll send then asap and that was the end of it.

It's never a good experience to be fired and I was a bit shaken when I left, especially because he could have been nicer or more understanding about the reasons why I failed to attend one class. I only once before failed to attend one class that I was doing for him and that was the day after I crash the car.
I think Steve's quite a shy and insecure man and to compensate he comes across as arrogant. He wasn't comfortable dealing with this and he obviously made up his mind well before our meeting, so I felt I couldn't have said anything to change his mind and I certainly didn't do anything to keep the job as I have enough hours and I'm comfortable working with the other company.
With whom, by the way, I did sign a contract, they do pay my national insurance and such taxes and they just raised my wages. They seem to believe that I'm a good and responsible employee and they trust me.

So, after a while, the shock of being fired vanished and I'm ok.
... although I have to say that I'm very grateful that the year is finishing really soon as New Year is a sort of clean slate and in my mind the one that's finishing is most definitelly my "annus horribilis".

I totally understand that Chinesse (?) curse "may you live in interesting times"* as this year made interesting reading, as some people told me about this blog.

I do wish we're going to have very uninteresting times for next year, very uneventful and peaceful. And, from my heart, I wish the same to all of you, faithful readers.

* May you live in interesting times is reputed to be the English translation of an ancient Chinese proverb and curse. It is reported that it was the first of three curses of increasing severity, the other two being:

• May you come to the attention of those in authority
• May you find what you are looking for

It is often argued that the word interesting is meant to be a synonym for turbulent or dangerous, while others suggest that no such similarity is necessary for the statement to be imposing. However, both of these theories miss the essential irony of the saying in light of the value Confucianism places on stability and constancy.

Peaceful Christmas

We cooked for hours to get a great dinner on Christmas' Eve and we've got it.
"The husband" invited a guy he knows from his lab who was all alone as his fiancée is in Argentina preparing their wedding (they're getting married in Argentina in mid-January), so we were four at the table.
Dinner was magnificent. The turkey took longer to cook that I expected, Jamie Oliver's site said that you have to calculate 1 hour per kilo and I miscalculated counting the weight of the turkey without the stuffing, but I've been told that to have the turkey a bit later that expected is very traditional anyway.
However, when the turkey was finally done it was divine. We followed the recipe on his website and the result was great.
This is the web page in case you'd like to do it yourself: http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/christmas/
I couldn't find cranberries to make a sauce but all the rest was there, including wonderfully crispy potatoes, and we had a gourmet dinner.

I didn't drink alcohol as somebody needed to be sober enough to give our guest a lift back to his home in a nearby village.

Despite the food being delicious and me not eating as everybody else did, I had a bad tummy ache and I was pretty sick after dinner. I know is my way of dealing with stress as I bottled up all my sadness and in trying to look great on the outside I can feel my insides literally churning. Lately it's been happening after almost every meal so I'm trying no to eat much.

Christmas day was nice as went to Barcelona for a walk. This is one of those rare days when the city is not flooded with people and you can look around and up without bumping against busy passers-by or tourists.
Christa you're right, this city is beautiful and just strolling around in a sunny day is enough to make anyone feel better.

Crazy pre-Christmas time

As soon as I finished getting my salary up I went to the supermarket to buy some food in order to avoid the rush during the weekend.
Patxi want a traditional British Christmas dinner so we watched Jamie Oliver on TV and decided to copy his turkey recipe as it seems absolutely delicious. Is funny as we never had a traditional Christmas dinner ever while we were in Britain. We keep the tradition of eating a big meal with friends on Christmas's Eve and then only leftovers on a very lazy Christmas day. More or less what they do here.
So, we'll mix and match. We're going to have tuukey with all the trimmings, Jamie's style, with Cava (the local champagne) with pineapple (my dad's own drink) , Spanish turrón and Italian tiramisú for dessert on Christmas's Eve.

Of course that after checking all the ingredients of Jamie's turkey we needed to go back to the supermarket today. Which I totally hated as half Spain is out and about doing the shopping. Luckily nobody eats turkey here so I've no problem finding a small and nice one and the trimmings were no problem, except for the goose fat that was nowhere to be seen. I'll try again on Monday if I can face the las minute crowds.

I've seen so down lately that I've not even considered buying any presents, Patxi doesn't want anything this year, the poor thing is as sad as me, but "the husband" was very disappointed when I suggested having no presents at all until the Three Kings night. So at the very last minute I had to go around and try to find something for him in the mist of a huge crowd of frantic shoppers... my mind is not working properly and I couldn't find anything to buy.
I'm going to try again on Monday, while I take a break while doing the cooking.

At the end of the day I'm all tired and cranky. Christmas' spirit, anyone?

wrong NLP tape?

I'm starting to think that I've may been hearing the wrong NLP tape... as I still feel sad and emotional (I've go all mushy when I see any add on TV with a dog on it, even cartoon dogs and I still cannot walk near the place where Darwin died) but I've been behaving a bit out of character recently.

Judge for yourself:
A couple of days ago I sent an e-mail to my boos telling her that the other (the British guys') are actually paying me more and that they offer me some extra hours for January and I'm considering the offer, so that we needed to meet and talk.
Her answer was a brief text to my mobile saying that they have a present for me in their office and that she'd be happy to talk when I can drop in to collect it.
So I went today (my final day teaching until next year), after my last class (around 10 o'clock) to give her all my hours' sheets and pick the present up. She was very nice, as usual, and we chit-chated a bit about this and that and she gave a lovely box of chocolates. She then told me that they're still a small and newish agency, that they're taking only a small commission from the teaching hours I've got so they cannot offer me a lot of an increase on my hourly rate. However, she added that they're very happy with my job as my students' report that they're very happy with me and I actually have a queue of people wanting to join my classes in one of the companies I work with. So they're willing to stretch as much as they can to give me a raise and that we needed to talk with them before agreeing to take some hours with the other agency.

So, I think I was very assertive and we negotiated a bit until we reached an agreement that I'm quite happy with. I've got a raise on my actual pay that it means around €200 more per month with the same hours I'm doing now. We also agreed that I'd take some extra job translating, which means even a bit more money at the end of the month, and doing something that I can do at home while I'm checking that P does his homework.

Great!

So, now I think that maybe... maybe... I downloaded the wrong tape and got one of those motivational speeches with NLP where people learn to be more pro-active and assertive.
I've never before asked for a pay rise! And never, ever, imagined myself telling a boss that I totally deserve a rise as I'm very good at my job and I'm getting great results. And without blushing violently.

The cheek of me!!

So, now I'm going on a 2 week holidays that are not going to be the best ever, but at least from January I'd be earning a bit more and that's nice.

going through

Well... No point of telling you again that we're all down. We are.
So, I'm going to try something to try and snap out of this black deep misery. I'm getting tired of it, of feeling miserable and having this physical pain in the middle of my chest. I'm not eating, sleeping or working properly, so, I soon as I loose a few pound I'll do something. Well.. the least I can do is to try to get thinner!

Have you ever heard of Neuro-Linguistic Programming or NPL?
It's a sort of fast approach to psychology. A bit psycho-babble plus some old-fashioned "get over it" attitude. An alternative to psychotherapy. The sort of fast-food approach to it. Quite new agey. A friend of mine who did a PhD in linguistic at Bristol University say that it's total quackery... but he's a devout Catholic so I always take his opinions with a bag of salt.
The basic idea related to trauma is to "create" a new mental link or association with the thing that is bothering you. The idea is that although you cannot change the past and how events affected you then, you can change your reaction to these bad things and your perception to them thus effectively changing your present and your future.

Allegedly, people get fast and long lasting results, and as is cheaper that paying a therapist, I decided to give it a go. After all, once I tried homoeopathy and it worked just fine.

So, I got myself a copy of NPL for dummies (it does exists, check it out in the link) and after carefully reading it, I decided to try to get try to get rid of the trauma of the accident. I don't want to forget Darwin, but I want to be able to breath again without this lingering pain in the centre of my chest or to remember him without getting all mushy and start to cry.
So I downloaded a tape with some exercise to get over trauma and I followed it and yesterday before going to sleep I did all that it told me to do. The idea was to re-program my brain so I may finally be able to get over the shock and maybe be able to go back to the same road without crying.

I'm suppose to do the exercises a few times during a few days. I'll try and then I'm going to write here if I feel any better.

Going through

Well... the antidepressants are starting to kick in as I find it easier to go around now but I still feel a knot in the middle of my chest all the time. As a mum, I'm a sort of centre of the family and I have to keep P going so I can not afford to be a wreck. Sometimes I think that that alone keep me from crumbling bubbling on the floor!
As I have to work and keep cooking and everything going as normal, this actually helps not to think or dwell in my loss. However, when P cries or feels sad, we end up crying the both of us and he ends up trying to cheer me up saying things like "he's ok now, mummy", which made me cry even more!
I'm also finding very hard to concentrate on anything and I'm unable to read anything more complicated that a girlie magazine!! In me, that's a definite sign of depression.

P said that although there's no way that our beloved Darwin can be replaced, we need some other dog to love and take care of. At first I though no way but it may be a good idea as Darwin few months with us were worthy of the pain we felt with its departure. Grief is, after all, the price you pay for love.
So we started talking of maybe buying another beagle or maybe adopting one from the rescue centre in Barcelona. "The husband" is not very keen on adopting because he thinks that a older dog could be more difficult that a puppy, he believes that "you can not teach new tricks to an old dog" and I think that it may be a myth.
We need to do some research regarding adopting vs. buying a dog.
I suggested to P. that we could go to the rescue centre an do some volunteering, such as walking the dogs to give them some exercise. P gave a look and very matter-of-fact say: -"no offence, mum, but with your truck record... I don't think they allow you walk their dogs". From the mouth of babes!!! I didn't know if I should laugh or cry!

An old friend of mine, whom I know since we were in primary school and who now lives in Madrid travelled to Barcelona for business and stayed with us for a couple of days.
That was like a breath of fresh air as we took her sightseeing around here and to the park Guell (a great park designed by Gaudi) and I talked and talked and cried a bit on her shoulder.
Thanks Tutti!! You've been a true friend.

Grieving

When your affective life is reduced to two other people and a lovely young dog, it's really hard to cope when one is gone.
We're all crying at different times of the day, when its absence catch us unaware and we notice that the flat is terribly empty and silent.
Patxi said that is unbearable to arrive home at midday and find the flat so empty as he was used to a very warm, tail-shaking welcome and to eat his lunch watching tv in the sofa bundled together with Darwin.
My heart is aching all the time and I find it very hard to teach this days. Even waking up is painful because he used to wake me every morning and now all there is is silence.

I started taking anti depressant because I was already low when this happened and I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to cope with normal life otherwise. I don't feel like working and even getting out of bed is a major deal.

Patxi was crying yesterday and we had a talk about dead and losing someone you love. I said that times heals everything and in a few weeks we'd be able to stop feeling this sad and able to remember the good times and remember Darwin with fondness. He then said "but... I don't want to stop crying because it's like start forgetting".
This is the first time that he had to actually deal with dead as when his grandma and granddad died they were too far away for him to really grasp the meaning of it all. I took him to the vet to say goodbye to Darwin as he was lying there. That was a shock to him, as to us all, and maybe wasn't the best thing to do. But I think that children should participate in the family grief and that was the only chance to say bye to Darwin as we don't have a garden in which to bury him and do a sort of funeral for him.

This is going to be a very sad and lonely Christmas.

feeling low

I'm totally devastated. I haven't cried that much or feeling this low since my mother died. And even then I was sort of preparing myself for it and trying to get used to that. Also I saw her dead as a sort of liberation for my mother after suffering so much with dementia. I thought that as her mind sort of died before and her body was just lingering on. So I grieved for her for a long time before she actually died.
In this case I was totally unprepared as this lovely little dog was so full of live and so young. He was just starting to lift his leg for peeing, for goodness sake!

Today I took the day off work and I never do that but I don't think I can face talking to people, not now not ever. I didn't cancel tomorrow classes but I'm a wreck right now and truly don't know how I'm going to be able to face people tomorrow. When I was working in the library it was ok if I had a bad day (and I did quite a few) because I could sort of hide myself and tidy up the shelves when the low ride arrived. Now I'm a teacher and there's no escape as I'm totally swamp and overwhelmed by this, red-eyed and puffy-faced etc.

The house is so empty and silent. Darwin was always following me around checking everything or just lying behind me when I was working in the computer. If I was feeling lonely before now I reached new lows.

This is like a catalyst for many things that I was bottleing down and all the tears that I couldn't cry for my mum and those that I didn't cry since I started feeling low are flooding out and it's scary the deep of the sorrow. At times it seems that there's no way up. This is a heavy knock as I was trying to get some sort of balance and I'm feeling really down now.

Of course the guys are devastated too. "The husband" started crying the moment I told him. Patxi at first was in shock, I think he couldn't quite believe it, but he burst into tears the moment he saw Darwin at the vets, just lying there, intact but with loads of blood around his head. I took him there because I though it was important that we all say goodbye to this precious little being that brought us so much fun and love.
Now we're all crying and feeling miserable.

We're having a very interesting discussions with Patxi about dead, as this is the first time he actually experiment it close enough. As we're non-believers, we don't even have the consolations that faith provides, but we do think that someday, when we die we join him somehow.

We asked for Darwin to be cremated with other dogs, as he loved to be around his kind. But I do think that we need to do something to mark his passing away, a sort of ceremony meaning the closing of a chapter but I don't know what.
It's amazing how close you get to this little beings that became part of the family in their own right. I cannot start to imagine how people survive the dead of a child.

Thanks for all the words of support in this blog and in my personal mailbox. Thank for understanding that this is a big and unexpected loss and that we're sad. And, above all, thanks for sharing; even if you're not physically with us your kind feelings touch us a lot.

Darwin died today

As usual I took him to the nearby park for his evening walk. There we meet a very young dog and they wanted to play so, very unwisely, I set Darwin and they were hapilly running all over the place. All of a sudden, Darwin darted away to the square opposite and crossed the road without looking and the other dog followed him.
In a total panick I run after them and i was running after them calling Darwin, ordering him to sit and wait for me. He was having a ball and was very checky, coming close to me and evading me at the last possible second.
Then he run back to the other square.
I saw that there was a car approaching and I just heard a loud and dry bump. The car stopped and when I arrived Darwin was lying there and there in a pool o blood and there was blood all over him. The driver was very upset when he saw Darwin and told me that he just didn't see him. It was all too fast, too close and it was very dark. It was not his fault.
I then picked Darwin up in my arms and his heart was still working, so I run with him to the nearest vet and banged on the door. They opened and took him away.
The vet came and asked me to go to another room and told me he was dead on arrival and there was nothing they could do.

I went back home to pick up the boys so we could say our goodbyes. The were totally devastated as I am.